The Power of Familial Influence

               (This article was first published in Kingdom Resources Magazine, Aug., 2010)

               John and Mary were both excited about the upcoming Christmas holiday.  This would be their first Christmas together as a “family”.  Moved far away from home, the newlywed wanted to make this time special for each other.  On Christmas eve, with great anticipation, Mary called John into their small living room, carefully decorated with a Christmas tree and several well chosen gifts under it, “Come on, let’s open our gifts!!”.  John walked in with a puzzled look on his face, “Opening gifts now?  But this is Christmas Eve.  Shouldn’t we open the gift on Christmas Day?”.  Now it was Mary’s turn to be puzzled, “Christmas Day?  But Jesus was born on Christmas Eve and the three Kings brought gifts.  So we always opened gifts on Christmas Eve.”  John looked at Mary wearily, “Come on, Christmas Day is the day you celebrate Jesus’ birthday, so we always open the gift on Christmas Day”……

                This is just a simple, maybe even funny story about the powerful influence of our family of origins have in our lives.  From smaller issues such as when to open gifts, how to celebrate a holiday, expectation of who does what in a family to much deeper and larger issues such as our world view, value system and our most fundamental sense of self, we are tucked, pulled and pushed by this deep rooted power from the past.  In my previous blog, I talked about how some of the past events/people in our lives (especially the “secrets”) are part of the “debris” that needs to be cleaned out so that our Garden can flourish (that we can continue to grow in Christ without hindrance).  In this blog, I would like to point out yet another significant influence from our past: our family of origins, when not face head on, accept and deal with, can also become “debris” that stunts the growth in the Garden.  

                We are probably all familiar with the story of Abraham and Sarah in Genesis 20:1-18 where, for the second time, Abraham presented Sarah, his wife, as his sister (first time at Genesis 12:10-20).   What is the most interesting is that in Genesis 26:1-11, his son Isaac did the exact same thing to his wife Rebekah.  This generational pattern was also quite evident in the record of Kings of Israel (such as 15:8-9, a negative example, 2Chrinicles 34:1-2, a positive example)….”he walked in the way of his father…..  The truth is that none of us came from a vacuum, our parents, siblings, and our extended families all played significant roles in shaping and molding us to be who we are today.  By studying the Gospel of Matt and Luke, we can even observe that God had good reasons to choose Joseph and Mary so that Jesus, as a human, was born and raised in a Godly family (Mary’s obedience to the angel’s message, her song praising God using all the OT passages, Joseph being a righteous man, Both Mary and Joseph’s commitment to follow God’s commend and guidance, all at great personal cost are a few examples).

                One of the tool that have been extremely helpful in understanding this influence is “Genorgram” (a family tree diagram outlining the history of the behavior/relational patterns from gender, birth order, age, education, illness, to divorce, abortion, or suicide, of a family over several generations).  Understand one’s past is not to find excuses to justified one’s behaviors now, but to help each of us to know the reason why we behave and think certain way.  With a clear understanding of our past and past influences, we then can learn to accept and deal with all its effect on our present lives and relationships (with God and with our fellow men and women).  

                 In 1 John 1: 5, the scripture said: God is light, in him there is no darkness.  If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.” The darkness here mostly means our sins. However, from my many years of pastoral care experience, I realized that too many of us “walked in darkness”, not intentionally sinning, but dreadfully unaware of the powerful shaping of the past, acted and re-acted out of that ignorance and hurt by others and continue to hurt others.  The uncontrollable anger inside, the compelling desire to control everything within reach, the inability to trust anyone (even God) many times are the results of physical, verbal and sexual abuse existed in the family of origins.  To be truly freed from our bondages of the past, we need to pray and ask God to shed light into that darkness, humbly follow God’s guidance and look very carefully where we have come from and how it has influenced us, bring everything before God and then and only then we can find healing and forgiveness in Christ.

                I highly recommend a web site called GenoPro which offers a trial version for you to use free for a period of time.  It will take some time to fill in all the information.  You might have to talk to your parents, sibling, uncles and aunties, other significant others in your lives about the past.  Some of your family members might find you terribly strange and some might do their best to avoid the topics, some might even get very angry.  But I pray that God will give you strength to go on.  I also realized that for some of you, past is not a pretty/comforting place to visit.  For some of you, the past might even be a frightening place, a place full of tears, pains and sorrows.  Therefore, do go back with God and the love of Christ, knowing that you are sons and daughters of the almighty God and no one can harm you now and God is with you and surrounding you with His love.  

                Allow me to just end this blog with a personal story to demonstrate how genogram had helped me in understanding myself and my relationship with my husband (Chin-Lee) of 25 years.  

                Chin-Lee and I came from very different families.  My family members are all pretty straight forward type of person and very LOUD (louder when we argued).  My parents did not use physical punishment when they were angry, but use loud scolding followed by cold silent.  It always scared and frightened me when my mother would not talk to me.  I often felt lost, alone and unloved when it happened.  Chin-Lee grew up in a family that was full of conflicts.  His father had very short fuse and criticized his mother loudly and physically punished him and his older brothers, sometimes harshly.  Growing up, Chin-Lee was always afraid of his father’s loud voices and hated conflicts in general. 

After we got married, Chin-Lee and I would go into this strange cycle: conflict started, I raised my voice, he shut down and went into complete silence, I cried and felt abandoned, raised my voice even louder to draw him out, and he went deeper into his even colder silence (to avoid any conflict)….and the conflict continued……  This cycle could go on for days, sometimes weeks.  We never knew why (“walk in darkness”), we only knew that it hurt both of us and our relationship.  Not until we finally sat down and looked hard into our family of origins, we realized that without understanding our past, we had let the past control how we acted and re-acted to each other.  From that point on, I learned to speak softly and not to raise my voice in anger (the best I possibly could), and give him space and time when he needed to “cool down”.  Chin-Lee learned to listen beyond my sometimes still loud voice, slower to shut down and if he did shut down, he would let me know a set time and place to go over the issue (so I don’t feel abandoned by him).  I believe that in this process of learning, listening, giving ourselves for the others benefits and letting go when needed, both Chin-Lee and I became just a little closer to Christ-likeness.

                You see, my beloved reader, knowing and understanding our past frees us to grow in Christ.  It also helps us to deal with deep wounds and hurt brought on by our own family.  In the next article, I would like to talk more about the “toxic view” of God that many times also came from our past experiences with family members and significant others in our lives.  Until then, May the grace and mercy of God keep you and guide you as you continue in this journey of spiritual formation!  I will be praying for you!

               

The Clash of Culture

(This article was published first at Kingdom Resources Magazine, 2010)

“I have two faces I put on every day. One is my Chinese face when I’m at home—the other, my American face when I go to school. Sometimes I don’t even know who I really am.” 

“I love art and received a full scholarship to attend the art school of my dreams. But my parents had different plans. They said the holy trinity of careers is: doctor, lawyer or engineer. Those were my choices and I had to obey.”

“My parents are typical, hypocritical Chinese Christians. They say one thing and do another. Their worship services bore my head off. I wonder if God falls asleep in church, too.”

These are the pained and confused voices of American Born Chinese (ABC)…     ABC children have grown up in two distinctly different cultures. These two cultures pull at them constantly and at every corner. OBC parents, however, have been dreadfully ignorant about the struggles of their children. In fact, I believe that OBC parents and churches have generally denied the cultural part of our human make-up. Yes, many Chinese Christians like to think of themselves as “color/culture-blind” since they’ve acquired the Christian world view.  But they are blind to their cultural prejudices and how the pains and struggles of ABC’s versus OBC’s have torn many families and churches apart.

Culture and Woman’s Self-Understanding

                                             
Part of the headlines on today’s San Diego Union Tribune (May 10, 2011) is Camdr. Shanti Sethi, the first Indian American woman to command a US Navy warship (the destroy Decatur).

The Navy has 286 ships, fewer than 10 have female skippers. Out of roughly 1,500 active-duty commanding officers, 93 percent are men and 84 percent are white (1).  And obviously there is only one Asian American woman skipper!

I read this news with great interest.  A short woman (she is less than 5 feet tall and had to get a waiver to even get into Navy) with an Indian father and an American mother, Shanti Sethi was overlooked by her superior when first commissioned (even though she was one of the top students in class).  She “worked her behind off”, according to her mother, to where she is today.  When the ship she now commands docked in India this spring, it was a singular moment in history.  She became a “celebrity” in India (everyone wanted a picture of her to show it to their daughters).

My life in picture

This is a painting that Jan Johnson put up during one of the retreat she led.  She pointed out several different reactions of the disciples when facing maybe the strongest storm of their lives.  It hit me between the eyes like a 4 by4.

There was I, several years ago, frantically trying to "save everyone".  I was the seminar trained pastor.  I wanted to help.  I knew what to do.  Let me do it!

Then, there was I, after trying so hard and so very earnestly, finally realized that I could not "save" anyone (myself included), I stumbled to the side of the boat and just vomited (see that poor guys hanging over the side of the boat, his face greenish gray).....well, for quite some time.

Then I heard God said: Esther, why didn't you take a nap like Jesus?

My restless soul suddenly calmed down and settled, and I sat there for a long time.  After the retreat, for about a year, "go take a nap" became my life motto of some sort.   And slowly I came to understand why the painter painted as he did. 

My hope and prayer is that one day, in the midst of stormy sea of life (and there are many), I can calmly and confidently sit at Jesus feet, trusting, listening, learning and waiting.  Not because I can control the boat well as a skilled fisher-woman, or I no longer fearful of the dangers and unknown, but because I have followed Jesus long enough, know him well enough, trust him and love him with all my heart that I can just be.....as Jesus did and still do today.

The Biblical Model of Jesus' Humanity--Part 2

Visual Demonstration of the Movement of the Model

Jesus’ life, ministry, and his interaction with people, even in his death and resurrection, demonstrated again and again that he functioned as a totally integrated human being and that he related to people and addressed their common human conditions in an integrated and wholistic way.  Out of who he is (his being) and out of his completeness and wholeness, he lived, taught, and related to others and God.       

             Diagram 2 is an attempt to show the movement of integration.  The more the four arrows in the middle were pushed outward, the more the four circles overlapped, and the more the area of “integrating” of the different aspects increases (movement from 2.1 until to the very outline of the circle in 2.3).  When the four circles are fully overlapping (when the four aspects fully integrated with each other), the model becomes “one circle” in 2.4.  Therefore, 2.4 shows a four-times twisted and collapsed cylinder, similar to a compressed, modified “Moebius Strip” which is a one-sided non-orientable surface.[1]  

              The circle 2.4 represents Jesus, who indeed is a multi-dimensional, dynamic, and wholistic being!  His life is like a world class quartet that plays the most beautiful, rich, and heavenly music!  

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                [1] Eric Weisstein, “Math Resources” [Information on-line] (Wolfram Research, updated periodically, accessed 4 June 2007), 1; available from Mathworld.wolfram.com; Internet.